executive coach
 

 

Enneagram

Visualization, Hypnosis, Guided Imagery
and EMDR

Executive Coaching

 

 
 
The following essays are from
my book. There are also archived essays from my newsletters.

Doubt

- Dedicated to the Enneagram Number 6 in Each of Us -
 
 
 

It is November 1st.  This is the first time I have committed to two days at the Harbor Grand room 310 since I began coming here in April to write my book. The view has continued to change with the seasons. I can see even more of the lake as most of the trees have lost their leaves. The lake and the sky have a grayish tone to them, and the light somehow makes the outline of everything in the harbor more distinct, detailed. The sounds of the gulls’ calls and geese’ squawks cut through the crisp air with more clarity than in past months. Everything seems more heightened as the prospect of winter and austerity faces us. My three dear weeping willows have held fast to their leaves and the only discernable change I can see in them so far is a slight thinning and greater variation of green intermingled with gold. There is a speckled scattering of delicate shriveled yellow leaves on the ground at their roots.  It looks like these three grand ladies are having a bad hair day as their trestle-like branches are droopy and lack luster. They are gearing themselves up for letting go, I can tell. They are still clinging vehemently to the enjoyment of tossing their drab dreadlocks in the wind. I pause and acknowledge how I know this in myself. I know how the notion of truly letting go, making way for a kind of death-time and loss-time makes me grabby, holding on tighter for as long as I can before the inevitable exhale comes, before the necessary release empties to make way for the new…for the unknown and mysterious face of change. I feel how the tightening and holding on contracts through my body in anticipation of…what? And Fear is the companion of this tightening. And Doubt, her sister.

The idea of coming here for two days was an experiment to see if I could get more writing done in 48 hours than I have been in 24 hours. I have noticed that when I have to get packed up to leave at the end of each writing tryst I am in a zone and I really don’t want to break my trance or disconnect from the channel that I am reveling in, that I’m on a roll so to speak, and don’t want to interrupt that which I am clinging to. Perhaps the inspiration will never come again. So it occurred to me last month that I could book two days and see how it goes.

In the interim I doubted whether this was a good idea, and I watched my expectations increase as well as the stress that accompanies those expectations. What if I don’t have any more in me after 24 ½  hours? I will have paid for another day and night and for what?

As my husband helped me load the car, I realized I had forgotten something, my phone charger. He tried to encourage me to forget about it, that I didn’t need to take it with me, that I shouldn’t be on the phone much anyway while I was writing. I have a tendency to give in to his suggestions and doubt my intuition, only to deeply and angrily regret it later. This time, I said, thanks but I think I’ll trust my gut here. In other situations I can easily and frequently doubt myself. I even doubt my inner Doubter. Or criticize and judge my inner Critic. Or boss around and overrule my inner Boss. Or belittle my Unworthy One. What a lot of energy all this takes and what does it accomplish? This time I made a choice to trust without questioning. Nice. I just went back into the house and retrieved the charger with a knowing- I will need this. It proved to be right as someone called who truly needed me to answer the phone and to talk just as I needed to be present for her and myself in that conversation, which of course was about fear and doubt. I was keenly aware that Doubt was definitely hanging around.
 
So hello there. Welcome, Doubt.

It is my sense that the Doubter, or the Critic arrive with a mission of protection. Of course there must be fearful thoughts or the need to protect wouldn’t be there. And of course fear isn’t any more or less real than any other thought. But it feels real. Oh it feels very real. These thoughts have arrived to be seen, sometimes out of habit, sometimes out of wisdom. How do you know the difference?  So I am interested in how we can observe the arrival of the Doubter, or Critic, or Boss or whoever with inquiry and presence, allowing it to be seen, acknowledged, and held. It reminds me of a child with a hurt, who may be screaming melodramatically, but seems to be put at ease, for the moment, by climbing in your lap, listened to, and not fixed, as this particular hurt is not really fixable.

So the Watcher and I lie down on the fluffy king-size bed in room 310 at the Harbor Grand and cuddle with Doubt. She wants to sleep, she doesn’t want to write. She is in resistance and she will absolutely not sit at the keyboard. She doesn’t want to read a book either. She wants to sleep or watch tv. Period.

What have you come to tell me? I whisper.  Doubt has an alias name- the Procrastinator, and she is stubborn. I want to hear you, I whisper again, coaxing her. What do you need from me to allow us to write?  She tosses and turns a bit. She says nothing at first. I said she was stubborn. I fall asleep with her for two hours. It is a heavy, dead to the world sleep. I allow it and watch it. A few times my eyes glimpse the computer, which waits patiently. Doubt turns over in the bed and away from the monitor which glows with light and possibilities. I think the “possibilities” part gets to her. I think that when the Watcher is really present, that out of the watching, other possibilities and choices always seem to emerge, spontaneously, as a surprise.

She climbs out of bed and teases me as she goes to the bathroom, then has something to eat.  She climbs back into bed and under the covers. I am still patient. I know I cannot force her because Doubt is extremely passive aggressive and will win. I ask Myself- what if I don’t write a word in these two days? What if nothing comes, and Doubt holds me captive? Could I love myself enough for that to be okay too, all the while “not-doing” with awareness?  Doubt comes awake having overheard this. I can tell she is ready to speak. Perhaps she trusts that I have proven I am really ready to listen. Write for us alone, she sighs, relieved. Write because we must, because the expression itself is what matters. Then I will feel safe. Then I will not be afraid. What is there to doubt except whether I am speaking from my truth, and I am a good reader of that. I will be here to remind you.

I see we are a good team, Doubt, the Watcher, and me. She comes to remind me about what is important, if I listen deeply enough. If I had merely judged her thoughts as negative thoughts, thoughts that attract other “bad” thoughts which hold me back from manifesting the life I wish I could live, and had turned quickly toward the “good” thoughts, the “Ahhh, I can do it!!!” thoughts, I would have pushed through, and in doing so, lost my way. Instead, I did not find her as my enemy, my blocker, but rather as having wisdom behind her fear. She knows how to create safety when she is engaged in problem solving rather than just resistance.

I hear you, I say. I might lose my way again. It is easy to do so in our world. So come back to remind me and I will take the time to listen. On this you can trust me.

And so Doubt let me write about her. And this is her chapter.

This is the intimacy of the self-mastery process, the tender relationship with self. Can we allow all aspects of the process, including fear and doubt, envy, and rejection to be held with love and acceptance? Can the surrender and letting go come of its own accord, in its own time, through a righteous and compassionate relationship with the complex self? Can we trust that the exhale will come when it must and be certain that the inhale will follow, without forcing the breath to be as we will it to be? Can I trust that this book will write itself, will breathe itself into the keyboard in its own way, in its own time?

I glance out the window at the pile of leaves on the ground below the willows. It appears like there are many more of them there now, having let go of their clinging, fallen from the branches when I was not looking.

 
   
     
                    Archived Essays
                               

                               Rewriting the Dream

What if you could imagine that your life is a dream? What if you could imagine that just as you can wake yourself up from a dream you are having at night, you could wake yourself up and rewrite your life’s dream?

Sometimes when I am having a disturbing dream I wake myself up, sit up in bed, and say “I don’t like how this dream is going. How do I want it to go?” And I think of a way to rewrite the movie I am dreaming so it doesn’t disturb me so much. And I go back to sleep and the movie/dream changes...since I am the writer. Sometimes my unconscious will take hold again and veer me back to those disturbing images or scenes, and I get to wake myself up again, rewrite, edit, perhaps even recast the characters if necessary, and close my eyes and dream into something that feels more in alignment with where I want to be in the dream.

I remember when I was a little girl and would have a bad dream and go wake my mother up for help. I would stand next to her sleeping self and say “Mommy I just had a very bad dream.” In my mother’s sleep she would first say, “That’s nice dear.” I would stand there and wonder, “Does she mean that, or is she just still asleep?” Quite an interesting moment. That’s nice dear. Maybe it was nice. Why not? Even though I was very scared and upset, perhaps she was right. And sometimes I would be persistent and say, “I’m scared to go to sleep again because I might dream it again.” Then she would say, still with her eyes closed, “Go back and choose what to dream. Dream about dancing in the Nutcracker, or something wonderful.” And I would go back and do what I was told. After all I was a very good girl. Yes, I might have enjoyed a little cuddle, or having her walk me back to my bed and hold me until I fell back asleep. But in some amazing way, I built a resourcefulness for myself around my dreams because my mother did just what she did. I became the master of my dreams. I was in charge of my dreams. I was empowered around my dreams. They were my stories after all. I believe that translated into my waking dreams as well. How do I dream my day? What costume will I wear tomorrow? What’s the storyline going to be?

Over the years, as I have worked with my dreams consistently, I have developed a narrative voice that will speak aloud to me as I dream. It will say “Oh, this is happening in this dream because you need to look at this or that.” Or it will say, “This death isn’t real it’s just making you face an ending of....”. It is a very wise and reassuring voice, and has amazing perspective. I believe we can all develop that voice, whether we are asleep at night or awake in the day. It’s all the same. I have not always lived my life with this truth. Sometimes I forget that I can wake up from the dream. Sometimes I feel held captive by the dream. But the fact that I let myself forget is a dream I have written also.

Sometimes when I am dreaming something disturbing, I choose to let that dream unfold because I feel I need to experience its nightmarishness for a reason. At those times I choose not to wake myself up and rewrite or edit. I choose to have the nightmare and then mine the gold of the experience of it in the morning. Why do that? I suppose a part of me feels the need to learn something from that particular movie, and doesn’t want to mess with it. It’s like, sometimes I am in the mood for a tearjerker, and will choose to go to a very sad movie so I can cry and move the sad feelings within me.  Maybe I just need to have a pity party for the character in the movie and myself simultaneously. And why not? Or I might want to see an action film because that mirrors something in me that needs to be aggressive. Or I may need to go to a very silly, inane comedy because I have been holding my life too tightly and need to lighten up and be childlike and goofy. It’s all available. I can watch a movie. Or I can dream the movie, by day or by night.

And then there are the reoccurring dreams. The dreams I have revisited again and again. When I was little I had this dream where King Kong had come to our neighborhood. He destroyed some houses but he didn’t destroy ours. He peered his one giant eye into my bedroom window and put his finger through my window. Somehow, though I was terrified of him, I knew he didn’t really want to harm me. After all I cast him in my dream and there was something lovable about this big beast, even to my 5 year old self. In time that dream became less scary. I kept rewriting it until he was truly my friend. And then I never dreamt that dream again. I didn’t need to.

So how does this apply to my life?  Can I dream the changes I believe I long for? Can i budge the status quo of my life if I truly believe I must and am ready to do so. Of course I can. Why not?

The questions I must ask are  “Who is the Dreamer of this dream? Who wants this dream to be different? Who longs for the change? Is all of me ready for this dream to change? Is the cast of characters within me on board to develop a new script and production?”

Different parts of ourselves have differing ideas about change, about rewriting our dream script. Some parts want to cling to the story they know, and they are very powerful in holding us in the status quo. They are afraid to rewrite the dream, and in their powerful resistance they will keep the dream going the way they know it to go. Sequel after sequel. These parts need to be seen by our narrative voice, and exposed, then befriended. I always loved that scene in the Wizard of Oz when the great Oz turned out to be just a sweet little old man, wise and dear, with his own self doubt and good intentions. It took little Toto the pup with no ego to sniff him out and pull back the curtain. When he was seen as he truly was, small, beautiful and human, his best self came forward and he helped Dorothy and her gang while he helped himself...and he changed. He went home to Kansas in his hot air balloon with a new vision. He could have returned before but he wasn’t ready to rewrite his dream.

Before we can rewrite our dream script we must know all the characters well. We must see the saboteurs, expose them kindly, and get them on board for the rewrite. We must understand them and befriend them, like my little girl’s King Kong, until we don’t need to keep dreaming that same ole dream. We must develop that strong all seeing narrative voice that knows all aspects of our dream production well. Then we can look at the old dreams of our lives and say, “That’s nice dear. Now dream about...” And so we will.

                                                    The Creative Force

From the moment I arrived in New Buffalo, Michigan to write, there has been a severe weather advisory. The wind is fierce. It is loud and powerful and I can't believe the little yachts in the harbor aren't being picked up in a funnel cloud and taken to Oz. The four Weeping Willows outside my window are dancing like Sufi trance dervishes, I'm glad they can't have a heart attack, because the wind just won't let them rest. Will they be bald before their time? They are not ready to lose their leaves, and as the gusts sweep them to and fro lustfully, almost abusively, they hold on and their sweeping branches become even more flexible than ever, because they have to in order to survive this force. I worry about my old Magnolia back in Chicago. Will she be able to weather this powerful storm?
 
The outside reflects the inside. Why has this storm come to me this day, as I beckon my own creative force to surface?
How is this nasty windstorm like my creativity? It is dark and scary. It can't be stopped until it stops. It arrived unexpectedly. It sometimes feels like the angry breath of Goddess, and I can't hide from it, though I may try. It has great impact. It will run its course and then it will return when you least expect it. It is very noisy. Then it is quiet and discreet. Has the storm ended? Oh no. Here it comes again. The building is shaking from it, and even with windows closed, I can hear it wailing, and moaning, and roaring. It is strong in its expression, varied, teasing, bombast. I wonder how the birds navigate it, but they do. They seem to ride it like a surfer on the ocean, becoming at one with it and not questioning or resisting where it will take them. It never seems to tire. As night descends, before my very eyes the lights on the harbor flicker as the Wind demands their obedience as well. It is overwhelming and invigorating. I was cold when I started writing this, and now I am very hot.
 
This is the creative force in at least one of her many forms. She brings about movement, manifestation, some destruction, that ultimately makes room for reconstruction. She is birth and death and birth. She digs away at the unseen. I know so many people who say with conviction- I am just not creative. That is like saying "I am alive, but do not breathe." Creativity is the life force itself. We are creating in each moment, in our thoughts and actions.
 
Creativity can be capricious, fleeting, sometimes hard to tame. It arrives, like the windstorm when it wants to. I must open and wait patiently, intentionally for its next visit, like a faithful lover. I must turn myself toward it. No amount of discipline can command its presence, or control how long it stays. But when it comes through the door, its dance is so delicious, so entertaining- time stands still. I am not young or old, infirmed or healthy, I am all that is- at one with the words, or the colors, the textures, the light and the dark, the ugly and the beautiful, there is no preference, just the movement of the wind through my soul.

                                               Masks

A long time a go a teacher of mine said- “We are most ourselves when wearing a mask. “
Many years later, I might alter that phrase- “We can be most ourselves when wearing a mask.” My phrase amplifies the implication that we believe we are most protected and ironically, most able to be authentic when wearing a mask. The fact is, we are never not ourselves. We have many versions of ourselves, and all the masks we choose to wear are a part of our whole person. The mask is constructed to allow certain things to be seen by others, and other things to be hidden from them. What we decide to show (consciously or unconsciously) and what not to show grows from how we perceive the world and the people in it, and how we perceive ourselves in relation to that world.  Our mask also reflects our relationship with ourselves. As one of the participants in my mask workshop said, speaking to his mask, “the gift you give me is a layer of insulation between me and the outside world.”

The Oxford dictionary defines mask both as a noun and a verb.  As a noun it is- “a covering for all or part of the face which protects, hides, or decorates the person wearing it.” Or-“an appearance or behavior that hides reality”. As a verb, to mask is – “to prevent something from being seen or noticed”. Why do we do this? Why not live by the motto “what you see is what you get?” But even that stance, in its extreme, can be a kind of mask as well, because what you see is never the whole picture.

From an Enneagram perspective, we can create masks to hide from the world and from ourselves that which we believe we are lacking, or something that we think we should have, like confidence, expertise, wealth or power. Sometimes we hide our great talents and gifts for fear that others will envy us and not want to stay connected. The type One might hide their mistakes or incompetence, to avoid being perceived as less than perfect by seeming completely put together and on top of things. The type Two might hide their neediness or sense of worthlessness, by showing everyone how resourceful, wise and helpful they are. The type Three might obscure a view of their failures or their secret feelings of “not enough-ness” by acting self-assured and showing off their successes. The Four might cover their fear of rejection with aloofness or rejecting and withdrawing first, or by being overly warm and accepting when they feel otherwise. The Five might mask that they don’t know something or don’t feel resourced enough, by arguing credibly even when they don’t know, being condescending, just disappearing or dropping out. The Six might display a provocative and challenging exterior to hide their worry and anxiety, or conversely, appear the victim or helpless when they are very capable of meeting the moment but don’t want to try. The Seven might appear confident and maven-like to keep their feelings of inadequacy, that they stronger in breadth but not depth, in the shadows.  The Eight might hide their vulnerability and tenderness, most especially from themselves, and consequently to the world, by taking a tough and forceful position that appears “not to care”.  And the Nine might wear a beautiful, toothy smile when they don’t want you to see that they would rather growl and bare teeth at you out of anger. We can recognize most of these masks and Enneagram energies within ourselves at different times and in different situations. Our core type, however, defaults to one of these masks most frequently.

No “conscious” choice about what we show or don’t show is wrong. The question is, are we conscious of having made a choice at all? Perhaps our masks may need some remodeling from time to time. Perhaps it’s time to try o a different face and see the gifts that come from doing so.
The Outside reflects the Inside. Perhaps to grow and expand who we think we are requires some insight into how we limit that growth by our “unconscious” masks.

To China with Love
and No Mask
 
When your only child is lying in a hospital bed across the world, seriously ill with an unknown kind of hepatitis and high fever, in a tiny room that smells like a sewer, filthy with cracked ceilings, wet towels hanging across his bed to dry, nurses with blood stained uniforms because they can't afford clean new ones, and no one at the hospital can speak your language-English, there is no mask in the world that one can contrive to navigate the situation and create the illusion of safety. I knew the words- "Nee How- Hello", and "Sheh sheh- Thank you." That's it. Language and words create masks for us in each moment; what we choose to say, what we don't. All the word choices available to me meant nothing at all. The only thing I had to reach another was an exposed, vulnerable, open heart, and eyes that did not lie. Eye to eye- I to I.  My son has many amazing expatriate friends who have created a dedicated family/community among themselves. Young people between 18-26 from all over the world that truly show up for each other with a commitment to be supportive in a way I have never experienced from others in my own life. I felt their support and sacrifice in each moment. Since the hospital does not provide food, my sons friends brought food and anything he needed until I arrived. They took turns staying with him, and when I got there they pooled all their Mandarin speaking resources to help me get to the bottom of his illness, and ultimately out of that clinic and home to his apartment. They helped me get around, register at the police station, use a cell phone photograph to get test results to our doctor in the U.S. because the hospital had no FAX, xerox machine, or email. There were no roles, or masks to mess around with, only a mutual loving intention to help my son and me. There was no status to seek, nor dignity to protect. There was the essential agreement to trust and be proactive with a mutual cause to help someone we all love. It was refreshing to leave my masks behind, and operate from transparency in each moment. I wonder what it would take for each of us to practice that kind of trust more often. Why don't we?


                                    Prosperity and Moving
                      Beyond the Status Quo

 
Last July, right around my birthday, I woke up one morning feeling an urgency and clarity around my readiness and desire to let go of what was keeping me from being truly prosperous.  Over the years I have worked a lot with myself on inviting abundance and receptivity into my life and now feel I am blessed to have a very rich, full, and abundant life on so many levels.  The piece that was still lingering in the realm of status quo was literally around prosperity as it is defined- flourishing financially.  Though I have always been fortunate to have a roof over my head, and though, only early on in my adulthood did I truly know real hunger, I have always made just enough. There have been times that money has been less problematic than at other times, but there has always been stress and worry for me around money to some degree.  The issue around prosperity was not about greed, wanting more and more, but rather around ease and deep trust, without a ceiling that the growth of my income was always bumping up against.  Instead, I felt ready for the wide-open sky of pure potential.
 
The previous February I had gone to a presentation for the Chicago Community Group of the Institute of Noetic Science. The presenter, Jose Luis Stevens Ph. D is a wonderful teacher and consultant who uses, among other tools, the gifts of Shamanic work and is president and co-founder of The Power Path Inc. I knew this was someone with
whom I wanted to connect further.
 
In April I was presenting a workshop for international consultants in Santa Fe where Dr. Stevens is based and I tried to get an appointment with him but my schedule and his availability were not aligned. Then one morning months later, in July, on a Friday, I sat up in bed at 6 am and knew I needed an appointment with Jose Stevens! I immediately e-mailed his office. His assistant e-mailed back promptly to say that he had not planned to be in Chicago for a good while but coincidentally he had just received a call asking him to fly to Chicago for some consulting work on Monday (3 days later) and he had an appointment available,
would I like one? Oh yeah.
 
In this one-hour appointment Time seemed to stand still. Jose shared with me that my issues with prosperity were a legacy from my parents passed on to me, a psychic wound that was keeping me from the pure potential of prosperity, and that this psychic wound created an energetic pattern that kept my earning power in the status quo, and that together we could collapse the standing wave of status quo with a simple ritual. I had done a lot of awareness work, cord cutting, and ritual making around letting go of the conditioning around money in my family, and yet I was still stuck. I felt deserving. I felt that I had worked rigorously with my beliefs around money. Yet I felt wide open to learning something new, another tool. How were my conditioning and the messages of my parents still supplying data to the quantum field that kept bringing the same results? During this ritual I could feel the information in the quantum field that I inhabited dissolve and be replaced with a powerful movement toward possibility, that wide-open sky of pure potential, with no ceiling.  I felt myself change on a cellular level.  I felt the sacredness of the moment. Jose said "I encourage you to use this ritual with your clients for whatever ways in which they are stuck in the status quo. Perhaps this little ritual will be one means of
prosperity for you. Who knows?"

Since that day I have facilitated this ritual with many clients and have seen real movement for them around their stuck places. For myself, I have not worried about money since that morning in July. I am in a state of trust each day and can feel my movement toward finally flourishing financially. I feel so much more ease. And then, synchronistically, I received an e-mail from Life Force Arts inviting me to present an offering on Prosperity. Ah, the Universe once again smiles at me. I knew in that moment what I was meant to share and I look forward to passing on this powerful ritual that was gifted to me by Jose Stevens. When the student is ready the teacher appears. When we are curious about why we hold onto our suffering or stay stuck in places that feel ready to move, sometimes a simple ceremony can create a complex shift. I was ready. At another time perhaps I would not have been.

Transforming Resistance in the Midst of Change

In 2010 I committed to giving pro bono workshops for organizations that supported the unemployed. I called the workshop
"Transforming Resistance in the Midst of Change."  As we approach the new year and start to open ourselves to the change that awaits us, I wanted to share this excerpt from a longer piece from my upcoming book.
 
"Very little of the Resistance we have to doing a task or committing to something comes from a deep "I know in every cell of my being that this is the wrong thing to do!" place.  Mostly it comes from just not wanting to. We may just stay in inaction because an inner voice is saying, "I don't want to!" and we may never explore the Resistance with adult open inquiry any further.

Some of us will be direct in showing our Resistance and say a loud "NO" to ourselves and the people around us, rationalizing, attacking, arguing our position. Some of us will be indirect, passive aggressive, or manipulative and say we will do something and then just not do it, or procrastinate, or make excuses for why we haven't done it. And a lot of us will merely be unconscious about our Resistance. Looking at our Resistance full on requires honesty and courage.
 
Of course, if we have looked at the "No" with curiosity and arrive at the decision from our thinking self, our feeling self, and our intuitive or gut knowing self and all three centers of wisdom are in agreement then the Resistance is well founded and we should follow the No.

Most Resistance is just about fear of Change, of the unknown, so we are too often resisting from a reactive place. Actually Resistance often is coming from a very young place inside of us. Perhaps now I am in my terrible two's, saying "No" for autonomy, control, power, the need to be right, or differentiation. Perhaps now my "No" is coming from fear, maybe that five-year-old self on its first day of school, wanting independence but wanting security more. And maybe it's a big "No" from our teenage self questioning our worth and just secretly not feeling up to it, or enough for the task, or deserving of the unseen good that might come from it.

We don't need to resist our Resistance, which ends up being pretty futile. We do need to be interested in it from our compassionate observer self and honor it long enough to explore it, dialogue with it, and get to the bottom of its reactivity. Befriend it from a grown-up place, and then do what mature and wise grown-ups do, make a value-based decision and then take it out of the driver's seat. These young places really are not old enough to drive, but they end up doing so too often.

Change is happening in each moment without our say so. Resistance, when allowed to be seen, leads us to openness, strategy and planning, and finding the support we believe we need to navigate with resilience that which we are moving toward...the Change we are actually seeking.




 
 
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